Post #8

Why TF does everything scare me now?

Crone Intelligence Briefing · Filed under: Declassified for Women Over 50

Look. I know you think The Crone is fearless and strong. But guess what? I’m fucking NOT AT ALL! I’m all over the place half the time, okay I’m trying that thing called optimism, but I’m a mess 80% of the time. I have always been a bit of a wuss, but tried REALLY hard to fake my way into looking, sounding and being brave. I’d even go as far as saying I gaslit myself for many years into thinking I was actually all those things. I even did dumb, crazy brave stuff without thinking twice! Hang on does that actually make me brave or just stupid? Now I’m older, wiser and wrinklier, I’ll admit it’s a bit of both. The Crone gets real with herself FIRST OF ALL.

But the minute I got tickets to the ‘fucked up, can’t make their minds up’ hormones shit show, the mask slipped RIGHT OFF onto the floor like a slippery condom. I can’t hide now that I’m the cowardly lion from Oz. I flub and cringe and cry and try and back out of anything that requires balls. As FAST as I can. As I was saying, I wasn’t always like this. I did a good impersonation of being ‘together.’ Then wham! out of nowhere I had a feeling like never before. This was like the XXX-rated adult version of niggling self-doubt. Of nerves. Of phobias. It was like every single thing was having a wild orgy with conga-lines of anxiety just shafting one another towards some warped crescendo. I WAS TERRIFIED of everything and anything. First it was waking up with dread and foreboding. Something felt WRONG and it scared me. I didn’t know what or why. Only that it was out to get me and the only way to be free of the fear was to do away with myself.

I know. THIS IS NOT ME. A bit of fear was me. A few jitters, for sure. Uncertainty, definitely. But being scared of inanimate objects? Or the tempo of a song playing on the radio? I mean COME ON. This cannot be true or real. But it was and IT STILL IS. My hormones are fluctuating and my body just hasn’t caught up. Trouble is it never gets ahead because the minute things stabilize, the damn apple cart is upset again and it’s apple sauce all over the place. So when you find yourself feeing this way maybe try this? Here’s what I do. I hate to sound like a annoying Karen-cliché but I KEEP ON TRUCKING, keep on trying to balance myself. Or like the time I was having a hormone-related panic attack Tatter Cloak, just swept me up into the truck (his name is Elvis, the truck not Tatter Cloak) and out on the road. It took a few hours to step off that ledge of feeling under attack. I was scared of the wide open spaces. Even the darkness around me. The way the air felt. I felt claustrophobic AND agoraphobic at the same time. So that should give you a clue of what kind of headfuckery the anxiety was unleashing on me.

I know a lot of you are experiencing similar things but take it from me (now I know better) that this is not you. I talked previously about anxiety and the drop in estrogen causing the drop in feel-good neurotransmitter, serotonin that triggers anxiety and panic. When the estrogen drops so does its influence on stress hormone cortisol add in absence of calming hormone progesterone, and ALL BETS ARE FUCKING OFF. We get full blown CHAOS. Panic, fear, hypersensitivity, over stimulated senses, you name it. Logic and rationale evaporates. So please recognize it’s not you it’s your hormones. Sometimes it’s the ratio of progesterone to estrogen in your body or your HRT dose. Or your estrogen and/or progesterone levels are too low.

As Tatter Cloak says. “I’ve got two balls darlin’ but none of ‘em are crystal.” And how I wish he was wrong about that because I would LOVE to predict this HELL RIDE even if it means fondling his hairy balls.

Crone Out!