Post #1

Crone in Chaos is in the house

The Menopausal Incident Report · Filed under: unscheduled rage, bodily betrayal, and loud awakenings

They say chaos springs eternal… er no they don’t I SAY that because as The Crone in Chaos I’ve earned my title. I mean what the hell’s going on? Why has life been turned upside down? I don’t recognize myself BUT I’m embracing the new me (failing but still fighting), so buckle up it’s going to be a CRAZY ride. Nothing’s smooth sailing in a Crone’s world. Anything that CAN go wrong WILL go wrong, ask me how I know?!

SO COME ON ALREADY! Gather round! I want to tell you a story, QUICKLY! Before the brain fog kicks in and I forget what I’m saying. OR WORSE before my patience runs out and I start throwing things at the screen. And because I’m magical (in my own mind) and REALLY grouchy, they might just pop right through your laptop and hit you.

I don’t like repeating myself, because it winds me up. And because it’s RUDE when people don’t listen, so I’ll say this only once. Actually I won’t because this Crone has finally found a voice. I like it AND it’s REALLY LOUD. No more mouse in this house! Better late than never. So let’s begin.

Like I said, I’m The Crone. I wasn’t born this way, I never asked for my power; I had it forced on me when my body decided to stage a FUCKING coup. So my only defense was to go scorched earth on it. HOW DARE IT? I mean it’s one thing to be invisible all your life, then when anyone notices, what do they do? IGNORE anything you say even when you’re right. I mean COME ON! You begin to expect it from other people because PEOPLE basically suck balls.

They let you down, like all those old friends whose tears and sick and slop you wiped up once. Where are they now? YEAH, YOU GUESSED IT. Nowhere to be seen when you need them, but when some rando sleeps with their friend (not me, not my style) they can’t keep away. So friends suck, ex-cheating low life partners suck, it ALL SUCKS. So nothing new there, but ME? I never let me down.

So I really don’t appreciate the fact that MY OWN BODY is shafting me and has been at it like a frisky teenager for the past few years. I’ll get to that it a minute but first…

I want to make it VERY clear that being a Crone isn’t what you think it is. A Crone is not some crusty old hag from a fairy tale. She’s very real and contrary to that sad and outdated (and masculine) belief, SHE IS POWERFUL, at one with herself and ready to face anything. And believe me on this journey that is a weapon of great necessity.

Crones come in all shapes and sizes and are beautiful, inside and out (when the hormones take a day off from beating them up) and I look forward to meeting YOU, my kindred spirits. YEAH! I know you’re out there invisible, hiding, raging, crying, breaking down or simply not feeling anything at all.

Well thank FUCK that’s off my chest. Still with me? D’you feel that? YEP that’s the rush of chaos whipping your hair off your face as I rush around the room at full speed. Now chaos has found me nothing will ever be the same again. So let’s dance it out, shake those hips while you can. Or if you’re anything like me, SHAKE THOSE CREAKING, BUSTED HIPS ANYWAY! Crap, I’ll pay for this in the morning.

Chaos Out… or NOT!